Morose in Marseille (2)

Part of sober survival strategy is to immerse myself in “drinking books” – just received a new “love story” in the post.  Author Caroline Knapp says:-

“It happened this way: I fell in love – and then because the love was ruining everything I cared about, I had to fall out.”

I think I know where she is coming from and am looking forward to getting stuck into her memoir.

It’s not the quitting that’s difficult – what’s difficult is embracing life without alcohol. When I decided to quit I genuinely thought it was just a matter of breaking a bad habit (white wine) and getting on with my life.  The “pink cloud” helped for a while but now I find myself mourning my constant companion – the one thing I could always rely on to lift my mood.

There seems to be little to look forward to – as everything I enjoy involves drinking.  Husband took me to a gorgeous restaurant for birthday dinner last week – fabulous food, wonderful view but no champagne – what kind of birthday can it be without bubbles?

One of the early books I read said that going sober is like walking out of prison – and that one can walk back in at any time.  Trouble is I have read so much about addiction and recovery that I understand myself far too well these days.  I know that moderation is not for me and that just one glass of wine will lead me back to square one.  I really get it – drinking can never be a harmless pastime for me.  There is no going back – so at 80 days sober I find myself stuck inside a tunnel.  I have left that dark drinking place but have not yet found a way of life where it feels natural and easy to be sober.

So stopping the drink is just one part of the equation – somehow I have to reinvent myself in a world where sobriety is often viewed with scorn and suspicion.  Part of my survival plan for a different way of life is my new project – World Without Wine.  Observant bloggees will have noticed that a website is “under construction” and that something is in the pipeline.  It is.  Will be going live on 15th September so watch this space.

 

 

 

 

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7 thoughts on “Morose in Marseille (2)

  1. what next

    Your writing is inspirational, thank you. I look forward to every new post. best wishes Jenny

    >

    1. janetgourand

      thanks so much Jenny xx

  2. Victoria

    I feel for you. This is exactly what stops me stopping. People say that not drinking frees your evenings up to do ‘all’ those things you don’t have time to do during the day. My problem is that I do – luckily – have the time to do them during the day. In the evening I like being a bit ‘wavy’ as my nephew calls it! I like easing up, relaxing etc.
    I think where you are now is shit. But that all you can do is imagine how you would feel if you went back to drinking, and to try and draw strength from the incredible 80 days that you have achieved.
    I admire you!

    1. janetgourand

      Hi Victoria. Thanks for kind words – perhaps my blogs are coming over as too negative as I don’t want to put people off giving sobriety a go – it is hard but I have no regrets about quitting and feel confident that I will get to that “sober and easy place” – eventually 😉
      Perhaps you are one of those lucky people who can moderate and just need a couple of glasses to get “wavy” – if you are managing to stay within safe drinking limits then enjoy!
      Janet x
      Ps have deleted surname…

  3. Mandy

    Lovely Janet, your blog does not come about negative but honest and is what everyone needs when wanting to give up. That is something I am struggling with and as yet have not had the strength or determination to stop yet but I have been moderating! What I do look for is your journey and know that I am perhaps unfairly awaiting your aha moment to come so I can use that as my source of strength. I am soon to embark on a 40 day programme which includes not drinking among other things and hopefully I will be able to continue after that being AF. Thank you for being an inspiration not only to me but to everyone out there and the people who will soon become a part of World without Wine! looking forward to having you back in SA.

    1. janetgourand

      Hi beautiful Mands I too am looking forward to being back in SA and hearing all about your 40 day programme – if you are moderating you are doing fine – if only I could moderate alongside you – will be in touch soon with plans for our re-union dinner xxx

  4. Sian

    Hi Janet. Thought I’d message you again, the last time I sent you a reply was just after your visit to Wales ( I live in Swansea ). I’m feeling a bit down today. The last time I contacted you I was on a 30 day no alcohol challenge ( which I completed )…. I actually got to 42 days AF and then last night had two bottles of lager. I’m worried that I’m kidding myself that I can drink in moderation ( had two bottles of beer last night and felt smug that I’d stopped at two ). I’m hosting a party this weekend at my home to celebrate my birthday and I’m worried that a blow out will set me back on the wrong path. I too miss a glass of bubbles to celebrate special occasions but the truth is that I don’t stop at one. Any words of wisdom?

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